There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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