I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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