I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
