just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
