so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
