zippers are such a cool invention
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
