Your mouth is God's brothel.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
