The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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