I faked an abortion last night.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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