I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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