I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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