She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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