Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
