Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
