okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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