I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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