My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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