Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
