It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
