The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
