Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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