Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
