At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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