Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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