Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
