either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
