Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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