I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
