the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
