Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
