I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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