The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
