Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
