I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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