i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
