The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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