We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
