I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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