I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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