God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
