You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
