Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
