Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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