I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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