I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
