woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Blood and glitter go together right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
