i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
