Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
