if i can run in heels then i can drive
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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