no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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