she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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