I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
