My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
