I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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