Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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