Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
