i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
