this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Couch. On fire.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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